Being a worker ant doesn’t seem as bad as it used to be.
I’ve blogged about how reconciling steady income versus my art has been the central struggle for most of my adult life, one that contributed to my divorce and nearly all the upheaval of the past five years.
The conventional minded people in my life used to say I was just picky, or lazy, or just never satisfied with anything I was doing. Maybe that was slightly true, but definitely not the whole picture….
- Had the first
small mental and creative breakdown this past week that I’ve had in months. I’m still climbing out of the last of it, but I think it’s behind me.
- I got inspired to pick up on my existing manuscript tonight on my drive home from the store. Working on it now, so this TT will be short.
- The reading I had last week really fucked me up, but not because I believe it. In fact, I now think that I was mistaken to have placed so much stock in it. I feel I was hoping for something more awesome in the reading itself, and in an odd way, I had the breakdown because I’m tired of anticipating the future. I just want to focus on now, and stop planning everything.
- I think I’m more suited to be a worker ant than I wanted to believe. It’s the politically-incorrect thing to say in personal development, but maybe what would really make me happy is working for someone else doing something I love. As long as it gives me room to explore my two big passions, what do I care?
That’s it. Back to it.
Just five - count’em, FIVE - entries this week:
1. I think I have a shawarma addiction. The trouble is, most of the shawarma places I’ve visited to slake this delicious lust have only made the problem worse, because they are all amazeballs. Like sipping vodka and beer on a hot day, it quenches your thirst for the moment, but then it comes back ten times worse. I may have to form a support group.
2. I had a reading done today. My last reading was six months ago. One of my friends at the book store has, as they say, the “sight”. Every time I talk about things like angel cards, the Law of Attraction, and the like, I always preface this by saying that my first preference is scientific, empirical proof before I support or believe something. In the case of this particular friend, I have seen the results of past readings and found them to be true, even if I don’t understand or can’t see the mechanism. Denying those results based on my inability to pin down the process by which my friend predicts them is a little like saying that the sun didn’t shine until we understood the principles of nuclear fusion. I know it works, even if I don’t know how. I digress….
Highlights from the reading:
- I am one year away from moving out of my parents’ house. This would make my total stay at about 2.5 years. Not too shabby, considering it was preceded by nearly ten years living away as an adult.
- The remainder of 2012 will involve almost nothing but work, but I will start turning real, sustainable profits doing what I love in early 2013 (enough, evidently, to allow me to move out).
- My “soulmate” is currently on the other side of life. My Twin Flame, on the other hand…. basically, I have until 2015 until we meet, though I’ll be dating other girls before then because, well, why not? Singledom suddenly seems a lot more awesome knowing it’s going to turn out okay in the end. We’ll marry and have two kids, a son and daughter (which admittedly, is a disturbing concept for me right now, since working for a retail store with a large toy section has brought me closer to a vasectomy than any other experience in my life).
- Most of my greatest successes will be in public eye, either through acting, speaking, or (surprisingly) in advertising. According to the reading, this will be the foundation for a political career as a city official in my fifties. (Which city? Hamilton, of course. Who knew, eh?)
- There is a group of angels/spirits that does indeed watch over me. Along with my paternal grandfather, who also watches over my Dad, guiding his decisions. I’ve never mentioned old Pappy to her before, but my friend described him to a T. Considering he died when I was eleven, that was unexpected.
There’s more, but that’s all I got to say about that.
3. Shoulder still hurts from when I pulled that muscle last week. Honestly, how long does it take muscles to atrophy? I haven’t had a full workout in over a week, and haven’t worked my biceps in two because of a separate wrist injury that I’m allowing to heal. The grown-up part of me gets it, the muscle isn’t going anywhere fast, but the Fat Kid in the back of my brain who first started lifting weights when he was 15 to fight the bulge is screaming like a Munsch painting.
4. Money anxiety is starting to disappear, but largely there. I just need to be careful.
5. I have a new plan for my book. Still coagulating the details.
So, lately, things are good in the long run. That commercial I shot will send me a bit of money in the next while, and as an ACTRA apprentice, I’ll have plenty more opportunities to have more lucrative roles in the next few months. I’m querying my novel like mad, and if no agent takes it, I have two back-up plans to get it done. Freelance, things are quiet, but I’m sure they’ll pick up, and realistically, it can only get better.
That’s the future. For right now, I need some cash.
Summer hours in retail tend to suck, and my hours at the store have been cut back. I take more where I can, but I also need to keep as much space free as possible to keep auditioning, training, writing, and exercising. Once fall kicks in, they’ll pick up again and won’t stop until Christmas, but there’s a whole six weeks between now and then.
In all the artsy careers, you’re supposed to forgo the whole idea of a “steady” paycheque in favour of a series of lump sums of cash that you get once in a while. In the meantime, you’re either hustling for new work or coasting on what you’ve already got. This week, I’m admittedly drifting, but I’m not spending a ton fo cash, either. Summertime always finds me torn between wanting to enjoy the time, the weather, the pretty girls wearing next to nothing walking down the street, patio beers and barbecues….and also wanting to not be broke.
That’s my goal for 2013: work my ass off doing what I love during the colder months and coast. I suppose with that mentality, I know money’s coming up in the future regardless. All I have to do is be careful with what I’ve got now, and enjoy the time, even if that means foregoing some of summertime’s more expensive options (no rooftop martinis for this writer/actor).
Money’s not inherently evil, and I do want it, but I’ve broken out of that years-long pattern of thinking money can only come to me through a 9 to 5 job. If the price of doing joy-filled work is that the work itself pays in occasional big lump sums rather than consistent smaller salaries, then so be it.
Le sigh. Off to query and to hunt for auditions.
First, thank you for following me! I’ve gotten quite a few since I started on Tumblr, so it’s now officially time for a quick CV:
Name: Jody Aberdeen
Age: 31 years old
Status: Single (Once Married/Divorced)
Home: Toronto, Canada (in the ‘Burbs)
Occupations: Writer/Occasional Actor for Film and TV/Sparkling Conversationalist
Day Job: Part Time Bookseller (previous jobs include: government crony; phone concierge; logistics clerk; truck dispatcher; travel sales guy)
Religion: Spiritual Secular (Former Presbyterian)
Orientation: Straight (or, to use a word I first learned from Nikkisaurus, “heteronormative”)
Education: Hon. B.A History and English (Minor: Political Science) from McMaster University.
Memberships: Phi Delta Theta Fraternity, one-time member of Toastmasters.
What’s My Deal? Biggest story to date is I crushed on a girl I met in Grade 10; finally got the balls to ask her out in our last semester of high school; followed and dated her through university, lived with her for most of our twenties; married her five years ago; three years ago started having problems in our marriage, leading her to cheat on me with a friend; two years ago caught them, and got a divorce, which finalized last year, around the same time I moved back home with my parents and sister to regroup. And a month ago (today, in fact, I just realized), she married the guy she cheated on me with.
Understandably, this story sucks donkey balls and I’m getting tired of telling it when people ask “what’s your deal?”, but it’s the biggest single thing that’s ever happened to me. So, I’ve decided to bring this story to an end by telling another, more awesome story: the time I went to Hawaii in late 2012 and threw my wedding ring, engagement ring, and a silver jewel bought on our honeymoon featuring my name, into an active volcano. Hence, this blog, called “Jody vs the Volcano”. After this, I will start again.
Current Projects: This one, plus two science fiction novels. One is complete and requiries some re-vision, the other is in progress. I also audition from time to time for acting gigs in the Toronto area: my last booking was a corporate training video for a major company in Toronto, about five weeks ago. I’m also looking for new career opportunities in personal development, web content, and maybe even coaching. You can find my other home here, on Wordpress.
Relationship Status: I’m also actively looking to date. My ex is currently the only relationship I’ve ever had, lasting nearly half my life. I have taken three women out on dates since becoming single. So far, nothing has stuck for various reasons, but I’m always hopeful my soulmate is out there. I’m an unlikely introvert: I’m outgoing in work and social settings, but only to a point. I’m only now learning the flirting and dating skills that I never got to learn in my late teens and twenties because I’d already secured the girl I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. It’s like being the slow kid in class, but I’m a quick learner. Thus, I’m not one-night stand guy: I may look like a bouncer on the outside and talk a bit like Michael Douglas in “The American President”, but inside I’m still that nerdy, awkward fat kid who never knows what to do with his hands, and I think that’ll always be that way.
Anyway, that’s my CV, which turned out to be not as “express” as I’d intended. Oh well. If you’re still reading, thanks again for following me, I’ll try to keep it entertaining. Stay tuned, you know where to find me: Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel ;)